Sure
by Orangeblossom Brambleburr
Summary: (Completed: Revised 12/01) Banky's thoughts, end of Chasing Amy


Title: Sure  
Series: N/A  
Fandom: Kevin Smith/View Askewniverse  
Author: Orangeblossom (Formerly Lagamorph)  
Email: rice_al@yahoo.com  
Rating: R  
Summary: Banky's thoughts after the confrontation with Holden & Alyssa.  
Archiving: Ask first, Please  
Chapters: 1  
Status: Complete  
Year Completed: December 2001  
Disclaimer: I'm lucky to even live in the same world as Kevin Smith, I sure as hell don't own any of it.  
Notes, Dedications & Thanks: This one is dedicated to Nikki James, who wrote the fantastic What Happens When You're In Love (http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=447291) which is a really, really great Chasing Amy fic.  
  
  
  
Sure.  
  
Its such a little word. Who the fuck thought it could matter so much?  
  
I mean, what am I supposed to do? Holden is my best friend. Shit, we've been pals since we were kids. I can't even remember life without Holden. He's my other half, my best friend, my hetero lifemate, as that fucking stoner Jay would say. Not that I have a problem with guys or gays--hell, Hooper is one of my best friends. I'm not into that kind of thing. I think. Fuck, I don't even know anymore.  
  
That's what makes this so weird.  
  
I mean, I admit that I was kind of jealous that Alyssa was taking up so much of Holden's time. I missed him--no chick ever came between us before. Plus, I flat out didn't like her. That simple. I know that sounds stupid, and I know what I did to break her and Holden up was shitty. But Christ, he deserves better than a "lesbian" slut like her.  
  
Jesus, I sound bitter.  
  
I am bitter, I guess. I have a lot to think about.  
  
We're sitting on that old couch, my couch. Me and the bitch, and Holden's laying out his grand plan. A threesome--fuck, it sounds like some trashy movie. Like I want my dick anywhere near Alyssa. And like I said, I'm not into guys.  
  
He kissed me. I wasn't prepared for that, and it rocked me. It felt strange, and scary, and exciting...right and wrong and confusing. I couldn't believe it, I still can't. He thinks I'm gay. He thinks I'm a fucking fag.  
  
But Holden's my best friend, and I do love him. I know him better than I know myself. And its obvious that he wants this, that he fucking needs it. What can I say? No? I can't do that, he's in enough pain.  
  
So what do I say?  
  
"Sure."  
  
And that whore, she claims she cares, but she tears out what's left of his heart and fucking eats it. I guess I don't blame her--he was really an asshole to her, I mean, he did act like this threesome was all about him, as if she didn't matter. Which frankly, as far as I'm concerned, she didn't, but I guess that's not important.  
  
I was relieved when she said no.  
  
I didn't want to fuck my best friend. Shit, even if I had wanted to, not like that. Even if he's convinced I'm a closet case. I can't believe he fucking said that. In front of that bitch, when he knows I hate her. I'm embarrassed. I'm embarrassed that he thinks that.  
  
I'm embarrassed for reasons I don't want to explore.  
  
Now I don't know what to do.  
  
I'm locked in my room, packing my bags like a fucking chicken. I'm running, same as she did, and I'm leaving him bleeding. Fuck, I'm no better than she is.  
  
Yes I am. I said yes, even though I didn't know if I wanted to--even though I was almost positive that I didn't. I said yes because I care about him more than I care about myself.  
  
I should stay. I should go out there and just tell him all this. Say, "Man, I'm not gay, but I'm confused." Say, "You're my best friend and I don't want this to fuck up our friendship." Say, "She's not worth wiping your boots on." Fuck, say anything but what I'm saying now, which is nothing.  
  
I hear his voice, he's saying something through the door, and I can't listen. Christ, now I know I have to leave. I'm humiliated and I'm scared, and fuck, I'm angry too. I didn't want to deal with all this. I don't want to lose my friend, and I don't really want to deal with all this shit he's brought up. Those were some fucking harsh accusations. I'm not ready for this.  
  
And I'm not ready to be in the same house as him if he's right.  
  
What am I thinking? Jesus.  
  
I just want to go back to an hour ago, when all that mattered was our comic, and what we might have for dinner. When I was fucking oblivious.  
  
"Sure."  
  
Fuck. 


End file.
